I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
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