I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
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Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
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If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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