mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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