It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
