i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
