Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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