The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
