I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
