Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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