And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
