There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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