i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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