is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
