I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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