Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My cat gives me a boner
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
