do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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