I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
