so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Randomize
