even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
