i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
