I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
