then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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