does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
the night ended with taco bell and tears
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
