mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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