The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
