im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
