Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
