How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
