someone threw a dead crab at me
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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