now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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