I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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