Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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