Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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