I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
