I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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