I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
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