I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
