Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
