my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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