Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Dating After Heartbreak
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry