I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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