I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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