Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
