Quick, to the slutcave!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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