I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
