I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
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Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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