When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
