I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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