I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
even my farts smell like vagina
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
