If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
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NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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