There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
