i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
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