She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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