Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
