Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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