You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
