wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
