He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
