Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Are my feet made of real feet?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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