4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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